


Helluva Boss: Atrocious Acts at an Affordable Price

by UncleJimbo95



Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Attempt at Humor, Developing Friendships, Dirty Jokes, Inappropriate Humor, Offensive Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UncleJimbo95/pseuds/UncleJimbo95
Summary: Daniel has been surviving in Hell for a year one fry at a time. That is until he stumbles three imps and steals their grimoire to go back to the living world and misadventures ensues.
Kudos: 4





	1. Hell's finest performing intern.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an alternate route if the main character of Redemption Through Sin ran and missed the commercial for "Happy Hotel", so yea. Enjoy!

You know the expression of "living hell"? I think that's pretty accurate. If you're not lucky in the cosmic lottery, you end up living in a low class and have to survive, while the higher class gets to enjoy their medium rare steaks for dinners. I've been taught Hell is completely worse and I would be burned for all eternity or some shit.

I would've preferred that fantasy. In reality, Hell ain't different from the living world. The only difference is that there's demons and some bullshit magic only powerful beings wield. So no different. God. Nothing changed. You're born poor, die poor and suffer poor. The cycle never ends! 

But who am I, you probably never wondered? My name is Daniel Gomez. Funny story! I woke up on a huge line filled with like toddlers in this dark space and we were waiting to go through this metal door. I stuck out like a sore thumb being the only adult there. A demon showed up, asked me who I was and opened a trap door which led into this hellhole. I'll never forget crashing into the pavement head first. Gives me shivers thinking about it. Ugh. 

Since then, I've been surviving a whole year. Even my body transformed into a chameleon scalie, so the furries were right all along. I feel sorry for any furry hater. Went through essentially the Purge once New Year passed. Had to outmaneuver those Executioners like a cat and mouse game. Other than that, not much happened. I "live" in the slums of Pentagram City and go by everyday stealing a scrap of food from unsuspecting onlookers, sleep on the benches and pray no one fucks with me and...I guess hope for the best? 

***Green*** "Oh boy. What's for breakfast today?" I sigh, scanning around the trash for anything edible in this damn alleyway. I usually wear a hoodie to hide my identity, in case someone holds a grudge on me taking a couple fries. As per thee curse of thyself, thy entire existence is a blemish in a tainted glass. Which means I'm easily recognizable. Not that many chameleon demons around and so far as I've seen, sinners have very unique forms so I'm fucked since square one.

My depressing monologue is broken by a goth dog bumping into me. She isn't even aware of what she did for being glued on her phone.

***Gray*** "Fucking bitch." I mumble under my breath. Should be used of everyone being a physical manifestation of where shit comes from by now. 

"Hello?...Yea I'm here...Give me a second and don't you dare call me that ever again!" The bitch shouts on the phone. I can imagine she must be pleasant to be around. She pulls out a giant book and starts spouting gibberish. A portal manifests on the wall. I can glimpse trees in the background. 

"Is that a forest?" I say out loud. Shoocketh at the thought that there is a way to the living world. I mean I know it is possible, but for it happening right before me is truly surprising. Three imps covered in blood come through.

"Hi sweety~! Gotcha a little something!" The tall one presents her a squeaky toy covered in blood. She responds with a glare.

"Ugh. Now I have to send my clothes to the cleaners again!" The short guy complains. At least he has clothes. All I got is this black hoodie that hasn't been washed in weeks and garbage bags for pants. Enough of that! I'm gonna lie low until they leave and go through the portal. Need to see how my family are doing and any place is better than here. They bicker for a bit and walk away. Now's my chance! I hurriedly run, but it closes by the time I reach it.

***Red*** "Dammit!" I punch the wall in frustration. I sigh. Not like it matters. I probably would've ended up somewhere like in India or something. Too far from them. There goes that plan. What to do now?...I've got it! I'll just steal the book and use it to go back. Ingenious idea that will not fail in any way and has no consequences. I mean what have I got to lose? My virginity I guess, but that don't keep my stomach full!

I rush towards the main street and spot the imps and bitch. Bingo! I have some experience in tailing people. If you want to mug somebody, ya gotta be good at it. Best part is that thanks to my reptilian form, I can crawl on walls! Making the process easier. Just got to be careful not to pass Uncle Jamison's window. Fucker grabbed me with his tentacles and ripped me in half! It took five days for me to fully heal. That's life in Hell for ya. 

"What glorious job well done! Though Moxxie, I will have to give you negative points for being such a bitch." The tall one criticizes.

"Well excuse me for being hesitant when the puppies were looking at me with those big eyes!" He angrily retorts. 

"At least you did it, hun. And that's what's important." The petite female imp kisses the one named Moxxie on the cheek. Woah! Demons having wholesome relationships? It's probably more likely than I think. But whatever! I follow them all the way to a building which I'm assuming is where their office is located. 

***Violet*** "They don't look like the brightest bunch, so this'll be quick." Oh yeah. See, I have another trick up my sleeve. I have an ability to turn off any light source around me and summon spotlights to the designated area of my choice. Not the most broken power, it's actually pretty underwhelming. But it gets the job done. I crawl on the windows and pray there's no Jamison. I reach a window with them in a meeting room. Quickly peek on the corner so they don't spot me.

"All right, my fellow friend, coworker and retard. " The tall one looks directly at Moxxie at the last part. "We got another job to kill someone's boyfriend." He produces a photo of the guy. Blonde hair and blue eyes. A fit man with a cop uniform. Guaranteed wife beater. 

"Sir, why are we always taking orders from people who were cheated on? I know lately they've been terrible people and that makes things easier, but what if they turn out to be a good person this time?" Moxxie shares his opinion that it will in no way be ignored. I pull out my lockpick set and make the magic happen.

"Hmm. Good question. If that ever happens, then WHO FUCKING CARES!? Our job is to blow their brains out, no matter who it is. We do it for free on the little shits." Wow. Again. Shouldn't be surprised, but it still gets me. Finally unlocked it. It's showtime. I snap my fingers. 

**_Lights out_ **

Blitzo: Oh not again!

Millie: Loona, did you forget to pay for the electricity?

Loona: *Shrug* I don't know. Probably.

Daniel: You know that no one can see you shrug, right?

Moxxie: Who's there!?

A spotlight shines on the middle of the meeting table, which reveals Daniel Jojo posing.

Daniel: Me? Well I'm none other than the Neon Blooded Thespian: Quemaleon of course. And I'll be borrowing this for a bit.

He reveals the book and turns the light off. Chaos ensues. 

Blitzo: Ouch! Watch where you're biting! I already get enough of that shit from Stolas! 

Millie: My bad! Oh? Moxxie, you sly devil~!

Moxxie: What are you talking about? I'm right here holding him down.

Loona: You're pinning me, asshole!

A spotlight appears above Millie, showing Blitzo being the culprit of the fondling.

Blitzo: Huh. I knew there was something off.

Moxxie: Get your filthy hands off my wife!

He tackles Blitzo and they fight.

**_Show's Over_ **

I deactivate Theater Mode once I gained distance away from the office. Hehehe. That was way too easy. Like taking a golden ring from a comatose patient. I crawl all the way to the rooftop. Should be safe here. Now let's take a peek inside the grimoire. I flip through the pages until I find what I was looking for.

"In order to cross to the realm of the living, one must draw a pentagram and think of the destination they desire." That's it? It's a lot simpler than I thought. I nip my thumb to bleed and use it to draw. I fill my thoughts Miami and a portal manifests on the ground. "Woah! It actually works." I jump in and due to the way gravity works, I faceplant on the concrete. "Ow! Why do I always get my beautiful face damaged?" I rub my face and scan the area.

I'm in the middle of the street. Luckily, it's nighttime so there's barely any cars on the road. I recognize where I am. I'm only twenty minutes away from home. Now that I'm here, might as well get myself fixed up before I go back home. I check any vacant suburban house in the vicinity and lockpick the front door. No dogs in sight. Good. I go into the bedroom and check every single drawer to find a fresh set of clothes. Black shirt and black tights. Gotta make a hole in the pants for my tail. Which I do by cutting them with scissors they got laying around. I put them on and check myself in the mirror.

***Pink*** "Heyyyy! I look real good." I notice something on the reflection. Hm? What's that on the window? Oh shit! It's a gun! I quickly dodge the shot and flip the bed to use as cover. 

"Dammit Moxxie! He was literally eye fucking himself!" The Blitzo guy scolds.

"He noticed me before I took the shot!" Great. They must've followed me before the portal closed. Gotta skedaddle and fast. I leave the room and head towards the living room. Something tries to jump at me at the corner and I sidestep away. It's the Millie person.

"You got some good reflexes, kid." She says.

***Blue*** "Wouldn't be here if I didn't." I pull out the scissors and she takes out her knife. We circle around the room, waiting for one of us to make a move. Then something clicks in my head. "Wait a moment. Are you guys here cause I have the book?"

"Of course. We need it to do our job."

"In that case." I throw the book at her and she catches it. "Don't need it anymore."

"Oh! Thank you!" She skips excitedly out the house. That was anticlimactic but I don't need any unnecessary obstacles in my way. Plus, I was never planning on going back. It's easier to live here than down there. I get out on the streets and smell that polluted air. 

***Brown*** "Aaaah~! I missed this. Hm?" Some white lady is across the street on her phone.

"Yes. He's out right now. He's a brown person with black clothes and is staring at me menacingly!" Uh oh. She's probably calling the cops. Time to get the fuck out! I run as fast as I can towards my home.

_ Daniel's House _

Getting to this place was a hassle with the cops patrolling the area. Note to self, try changing my scales white when committing a crime. Though that's hard for me to do, since I can only change color during Theater Mode. Outside of that, it's a passive trait which reflects my emotions. Very annoying. 

I approach the house. It's the same familiar blue house that I remember. There's two cars in the garage. One of them is a cop car. Shit. Could they have moved? I sneak through the backyard by climbing over the fence and notice my dog! He's a brown chihuahua pitbull. He starts barking at me.

***Green*** "Johnson. It's me." He tilts his head curiously and starts smelling me. Then he wags his excitedly and jumps into my arms. He licks my face furiously. "Hahaha. I missed you too, my little Joestar." I pet him and cry tears of joy. You never know how important the small things like your dog being happy to see you until you're literally in Hell. I set him down and peek in my mom's room. She's sitting on the bed crying. Then a man comes out of the bathroom in uniform. Hold on...That's the same guy from the photo those imps had!

"What's wrong?" He sits next to her.

"I'm sorry. Today is when my son…" She chokes. Damn. Is it that day already? When I died in a car crash. Seeing her like this breaks my heart. I wish I could go in and hug her, but not looking like this. Don't worry mom. I may be in the shitter, but I'm doing well. 

"It's okay. I'm sure he's in a better place." They hug and peck on the lips. "I wish I could stay longer, but they need me to patrol. Apparently some black person broke into someone's house and is still on the loose." Well fuck. You don't gotta say it that way. His phone starts ringing. "Sorry. I have to get this." He gets up and leaves the room. Johnson has a ball in his mouth.

***Yellow*** "You want to play fetch?" I try to grab the ball, but he runs away. He's always been this way. The curtains are down, so I'm not worried of being spotted. I chase him around until we circle to the back of the house. 

"Yea I'm going." I can hear his conversation through the open kitchen window. "Those degenerates need to know that America belongs to us." What is he talking about? I lean on the wall and glimpse inside. He's washing his hands and I notice a swastika on his arm. He pulls the sleeve to hide it. "Jorge, how many times have I told you to write this shit down? The address for the meeting is in my fucking house. You know where I live!" He sighs. He shares his address to the person. "You got it? All right. I'll meet you in twenty." He hangs up. "Fucking sp**." OH NO! Mom is dating a Nazi! What am I supposed to do!? Johnson is looking at me with those hopeful eyes. I kneel and hug him dearly.

"Goodbye." I hop over the fence. I can hear him whine and howl. I'm sorry, but I know what must be done. Using my lockpick, I unlock the trunk of the cop car and hide inside. If he opens it, I will fucking jam these scissors in his eyes! The vehicle starts moving. I don't know how long we've been riding, but after a while he stops the car. He leaves and I wait a couple moments for the coast to be clear. I get out the trunk and look around. 

Seems I'm in a farm in the middle of nowhere. Time to inspect what I'll be dealing with. There are five Hummers next to the house. I see through the windows a crowd of them with buzz head cut and swastikas tats. Drinking like there's no tomorrow. Oh there won't see that tomorrow when I'm done with them. I break open the garage door and see a bunch of guns and Nazi flags. Jesus. Way to be subtle about it. There's a picture of Hitler on the wall with candles around. 

***Blue*** "They hate gays, yet would suck off their idol. I see no hypocrisy here." I say out loud. A portal forms on the portrait and the imps jump out. "Fancy meeting you guys again."

"What are you doing here?" Moxxie trains his gun.

"Woah! Chill there, my dude. I'm not here to stop you. In fact, I want to help y'all out."

"Hmmm. We're not exactly looking for employees. But I can make you our free intern!" Blitzo says.

"Ah shit. Now I can't disappoint my new boss." I grab sunglasses from the shelf and put them on. Let's get this show on the road!

**_Lights out_ **

Kyle: Yo! The fuck happened!?

The beef cakes are fumbling around looking for the light switch. A spotlight shines in the middle of the living room. Daniel poses dramatically.

Daniel:  ***Green*** Sorry to disturb your plan into creating a Third Riech, but I'm sadly going to delay it once more.

Jorge: Who is this f*****?

Kyle: I don't know. Probably a k*** in disguise! 

Daniel:  ***Brown*** Gentlemen, I know this is a very offensive show, but can we please tone down the inflammatory terms?

They all pull out their AR-15 and point at him.

Kyle: Hah! This is America, son! We have the free speech to say whatever the fuck we want and the right to empty our bullets to your Jewish ass!

Daniel: If that's the case, then I will exercise that freedom to show you the consequences of your actions.

The lights go out before they start firing. They weren't kidding about emptying their clips. After the last bullet has been exhausted, a spotlight shines upon the same place. However, instead of Daniel, it's Jorge dead on the floor.

Daniel: HAHAHA! OH MAN! You're all so simple minded! Instead of working together with everyone to fight against the true corruption of society, you instead become puppets of the one's that don't even give a shit about you! I almost feel sorry. I'm sure with years of constant exposure and engaging with others outside the echo chamber would maybe give you insight and how wrong your ideology was.

A spotlight illuminates close to the exit, where Daniel is wielding two fully automatic weapons.

Daniel:  ***Black*** But I lost my humanity a long time ago to care. *Smirk* Say hello to your boyfriend in the ninth circle for me.

He sprays bullets at them all Scarface style! Most of them drop dead immediately. The only survivor is Kyle, who is crawling away. Daniel approaches him menacingly.

Kyle: S-Stay away from meee!

Daniel: This is pathetic. *Stomps on his shoulder* All that bravado and you're cowering like a bitch! I honestly don't care if you cheated your girl with my mom, but I know you preyed on her vulnerability of her dead son cause she a hot bitch. Am I right?

He becomes pale.

Daniel: I won't make your trip to Hell a peaceful one.

He pulls out the scissors and stabs Kyle in his eyes. He screams in as Daniel keeps stabbing and slicing him open. Lots of gore that is too much to describe, until Kyle bleeds to death.

Daniel:  ***Red*** And that's a wrap!

**_Show's Over_ **

_ Back into the hellscape _

"Where do you want me to put these?" I ask Loona about the stacks of documents on my hands. 

"Just put them over there with rest." Without looking up from the phone, she points at the corner of the room.

"Uh that's a shredder." 

"Yup." I sigh. I'm still amazed how they're in business with how unorganized this place is. 

"Is that paper from our new client, Intern?" Millie pokes her head from my back. 

"Yea. I did investigations of your target." I spread the files on the table. "I took photos of possible entrances and exits you guys can use. This is the layout of the house." This is my "job", if you can call it that. I scout and gather information of the target and give them options to make their assasination easier. "For some reason, she likes to use the toaster while she bathes. Don't gotta use your imagination for that one. And if it makes you feel any better Moxxie, she produces crush porn. Do not Google it. Just know it's bad." Blitzo comes out of his office shouting at his phone.

"I will be there in a moment! Calm that bird dick! I don't want a repeat from the last time you got this excited." He hangs up and groans. "Cancel the meeting. It's that time of the month and I gotta go meet Prince Asshole to keep the book." He leaves grumbling to himself. 

"Yay! A day off! Come on, Moxxie. Let's go buy that strap-on you always wanted!" 

"H-Honey! Not so loud." 

"Everyone knows you like it up the ass." Loona remarks and I chuckle at his embarrassed face. They leave as well. I don't bother trying to strike a conversation with Loona since she either ignores me or bites me. Not even in the kinky way. 

I lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. You know, this isn't so bad. At least I have a roof on my head and coworkers I can at least talk to. Sure beats being alone in the streets. Someone comes in the room and it's the client.

Her name is Lilian Wickerman. Proud owner of a club named Feline Fever. She is a petite cat that can barely reach my chest. She has long black fur and dreadlocks on her head. Not to mention the black robe that makes her look like a witch. Man there's a lot of black. We need some variety in here. At least she has hazel eyes. Her hips sway as she walks. 

"Is this a bad time?" She says in a calm mature voice.

***Pink*** "Of course not, Miss Wickerman. How can I help you?" 

"I was just passing around to check up how the progress is going."

"Well something important came up today, so they're going to work on it tomorrow." She sits next to me. 

"Well that's a problem. Is there any way you can do it right now? I can give you extra money if that changes your mind. Or maybe you want something else~?" She grabs my hand and places it on her THICC thighs. Ooooooh! It's very soft!

"Wait, did you say you'll pay extra?" She gives me a disappointed look.

"Yes. I did say that. But I also put in another option that was very clear for you to choose."

***Yellow*** "The pussy can wait another time. I need every little income to buy better equipment and other unnecessary things!" I nip my thumb and open a portal. "This may be their job, but when money is on the line, the stage will be set for my ultimate performance!" 

**Outro: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC**


	2. The freezing heart melting through cold determination

What is "wasting time"? It makes sense for when one is alive, since there's only a set amount till we die. But when you're dead that means nothing. You're already dead. As an apparent Sinner, I can never die of hunger, be cut in half and other unfortunate things. It's not like there's a rush to get anything done. In a normal setting that would apply. However, one can die even in Hell. The clock tower ticks towards an event I dubbed "Judgement Day". It's when those fucking Exterminators descend here and game end you permanently. No double hell. You cease to exist. Those angels ain't how they portray them back home. Maybe they just look that way to be more intimidating. 

"Hey! Are you even listening?" Mox breaks my thoughts. "Did you get the arrows?"

"Yup." I show him the bag. We were buying supplies for future jobs. 

Me and Moxxie are walking on the street. Usual traffic, pedestrians not giving a fuck, a demon baby is eating a demon cat...No different from Earth. We've been quiet the whole time. Not like there's anything to talk about. We're just coworkers. Even though he seems the reasonable one of the group, he made it clear on my first day that our relationship is strictly professional. Fine by me. If there's something I learned down here, when someone sees the opportunity to backstab, they'll do it.

"Oh crumbs!" Mox curses. 

"What's up?"

"Today is our anniversary and I don't have anything to give to Millie." He pulls out his wallet and it's empty.

"Bummer, dude." Should've bought something for her when ya had a chance… ***Violet*** HNGH! What's this sensation in my chest!? Is this empathy? I thought I lost this feeling months ago! "Fine. I'll help you out." He looks at me with doubt, but I keep walking. "I know a place that's cheap." Moxxie is hesitant but follows me.

_ Rosie's Emporium _

"This place does not look cheap." Mox says looking at the expensive looking store.

"I mean yea, but I know a guy that can hook us up." I gaze at the clocktower. "It's almost closing time. He should be in the back." We move around the building and find my guy throwing away inventory. "Yo Qwais!" His ears perk up and turn dramatically to face us.

That's Qwais Saad. A muslim hellhound. The only reason I know that is because he just randomly brought it one time. I think he's a little special upstairs, considering he barely emotes and has that stone face the whole time. He only has a cool jean jacket. His black fur is constantly flowing on the top of his head as if it were on fire. His scarlet eyes scans me and then turns to Mox.

"Who's the imp?" He asks in his usual monotone...tone.

***Blue*** "He is a coworker of mine. I finally found a job!" I say.

"Is that so? Good for you." Hm? Did I catch a minuscule hint of sadness in his voice? Must be my imagination.

"Thank you. Anyways, we've come here to ask if you can hook us up with something. Today is this man's anniversary with his dearly beloved!" I pat his back. Qwais opens the bags. "Met this guy back when I used to live in the streets. He would give me props that would help me get by." I explain.

"Not much today. Only got wilting roses that makes anyone who smells them a sex fiend for a whole day." 

***Green*** "Ooooh. That may be useful." I yoink the bag for myself.

"I also have a white bed sheet that confirms one's virginity. If you're not one, the blood disappears." Qwais proves it by nipping his thumb and spreading his blood on it. After a second, the stain disappears. 

"Yoooo! That is really good! You don't gotta worry about cleaning up after a rough session anymore." I elbow the little imp.

"I don't know." Mox still has doubts.

"Come on man! You got anything better than that in our current financial situation?" 

"...No."

"I'm sure she'll love it." I grab the sheet.  ***Pink*** "Thank you man! I'll talk to you later." I wave goodbye and we leave on our merry ways.

_ The cold Hunt _

"We can go through here to get to the office quicker." Oh no. He points at the park.

***Yellow*** "A-Are you sure? I don't mind taking the detour around. H-Hehehe." 

"What's wrong with you?" He raises an eyebrow.

"N-N-Nothing! I just think that there are better ways than here." He's not buying it. I just don't want to stumble upon that crazy woman. But I haven't seen her since Judgement day, so maybe the Exterminators finally got her.

"If it's a problem, then we can take another route." Look at how considerate this imp is actually being!

***Orange*** "No no! I'm being on edge for no reason. I'm sure you want to spend your special day with Millie." Rrrgh! I thought I lost my ability to care about others! Whatever. If we speed walk, we can make it out in ten minutes. 

And so, we enter the den of the beast. At least, I hope the beast is dead. We follow the path. The bushes and trees aren't making this journey any less peaceful as I scan for any movement.

"Did it get colder all of a sudden?" Moxxie shivers. We can see our breaths.

***Burgundy*** "What!?" I frantically look around me. The trees are slowly freezing behind us. I can make out something in between the treelines. It looks like a ten foot figure with what seems to be a bird skull for a head and dead tree branches as horns. It's beady blue eyes are fixated on me.  ***Scarlet*** "Oh shit! Fucking dip, Moxxie!" I start sprinting and he follows suit. Then a howling screech pierces in the air.

"W-W-What was that!?" He says.

"I don't know! All I know is that we're dead meat if we stop!"  ***Blinking Red*** My body reacts by itself and I grab Moxxie to lunge each other backward. A stream of ice blast across the path, freezing everything in its way.  ***Burgundy*** Had we kept going, we would've been hit by it. 

"What is going on!? I am so confused! Wh-H-Why!?" Oh god! He's hyperventilating. I smack his face.

"Deep breaths! We only have moments before it attacks again!" He starts breathing hard. "I've noticed that my scales become a detector to incoming threats. So just follow my lead, okay?" He shakily nods.  ***Scarlet*** "Grab the sheet and let's go!"

"B-But what about the grocery!?"

"Fuck it! We can buy more later!" We keep running and another screech is let out by the creature. I can see the silhouette of the monster on all fours on my left keeping up with us. It gets closer. 

***Blinking Red*** "DUCK!!" Me and Moxxie drop on the ground and the thing flies past above us with sickening speed, I only saw a blur.  ***Burgundy*** "GO GO GO!!" I only shout to keep the adrenaline going for the both of us.

"Why don't you use your ability to get away!?"

"Believe it or not, I can't see shit in the darkness. I have to memorize the layout in the room to not trip on shit. If I use the spotlights, we would be giving our position away. Not to mention, I don't know if this thing can see or use other means to navigate in the dark."  ***Scarlet*** I can see a clearing up ahead. "Which means that we're fucked no matter how you look at it and our only chance is to keep running!"  ***Blinking Red*** I grab and hold Mox tightly to my chest. A giant claw swipes in front of us! I jump forward and manage to slip through the gap.  ***Burgundy*** I roll and recover never losing the momentum. We finally make it to the clearing, where other demons are doing their usual activities. I drop him and we collapse on the ground regaining our breath.

"W-We are never coming through here ever again." Moxxie says getting up.

"Agreed." He helps me steady myself as I stand.  ***Scarlet*** "OH NOOOOOO!" The monster jumps out in the open, causing everyone to panic. Now that I have a better look of it, the monster is wearing a tattered blue dress and it's white feathers have black spots. Kinda like…"Shirley?" She locks her eyes at me and screeches. "Get out here! She's only after me!" 

"But!"  ***Blinking Red*** She lunges at me with her beak and I sidestep out of the way, but her claws manage to scrape my chest!

"Ah! Just fucking go! You got someone special that awaits your return!"  ***Brown*** I take a battle stance. "I've got some unfinished business with her." Moxxie is conflicted, but finally heeds my words and runs. Now it's me and her. 

**_Lights out_ **

**The Sin-Eating Glutton: Shirley Kaiser**

**Jojo DiU - Sudden Battle**

Spotlights shine upon Daniel and Shirley.

Daniel:  ***Red*** I'm going to show you what happens when you fuck a thespian in the ass!

Shirley: DaNiEEREEEEEL!!!

She spews ice breath at him. He jumps over the mist, but slips on his ass because the ground is frozen. He tries to regain his balance, but keeps stumbling. He's a sitting duck! She runs up to him and flings Daniel up in the air. He falls with his destination being the mouth of the beast below. She tries to snap her beak shut, but Daniel holds it in place with his hands and feet. She licks his entire body.

Daniel:  ***Green*** Yuck! This definitely is not a kink of mine.

He uses his tail to pull out the knife in his pocket and stabs her tongue. She flails around in pain and growls. He can see the mist forming at the back of her mouth. If he lets go, he will be eaten. But if he doesn't, he will be frozen solid and be eaten. Daniel is completely defenseless!

Daniel:  ***Gray*** Guess this is where the show ends…

He closes his eyes, accepting his fate. A shot is fired and Shirley throws Daniel to the ground as she writhes in pain. He can see her left eye bleeding black blood.

Daniel: What the hell?

A spotlight shines on the savior. It's Moxxie with a sniper!

Daniel:  ***Yellow*** Moxxie! *Runs towards him* Even though I told you to leave me, you still came back?

Moxxie: Well yeah. We're a team. It should be no surprise that we have each other's back. *Looks away while blushing* And this is also paying back for everything earlier.

Daniel is moved by his good nature and hugs him tightly while crying.

Daniel:  ***Pink*** I'm sorry I ever doubted you! You're such a good person, despite being from Hell! Waaaaaa!!

Moxxie: Okay! Okay! 

Their moment is ruined by Shirley freezing the ground Daniel is standing on, freezing his feet in place.

Moxxie: Oh crumbs! You have to pull yourself out quickly!

Daniel doesn't respond and has a determined expression.

**Vento Aureo - Bullet**

Daniel: Give me a bullet.

Moxxie: Huh?

Daniel: No time to explain! Give me a bullet!

Moxxie pulls out his magazine and hands it to him.

Daniel:  ***White*** With this, our victory is assured.

He bites his thumb and coats the bullet with his white blood. He hands it back.

Moxxie: Eugh. What do you want me to do with this?

Daniel: To shoot her with it. Duh. 

Shirley screeches and starts running towards them. Moxxie quickly loads it and aims, but is shaking too much from the fear and nervousness. Daniel puts one hand on Mox's waist, while the other holds his hand on the trigger.

Daniel: Relax. Control your breath. The moment you doubt yourself, you've lost. *Gets closer to his face* Now focus on the target that stands in the way of your future with Millie. 

Upon hearing her name, he composes himself and steadies his aim. Shirley is charging closer. Moxxie shoots and the bullet hits directly at her heart. She hollers and shrills in pain. Then...silence. Shirley is standing still with a thousand yards stare. 

Daniel: No jodas con los diablos de I.M.P!

**_Show's over_ **

***Yellow*** "Woohoo! Fuck yea! That was awesome!" I celebrate our victory! Mox collapses from the mental exhaustion. "Yo man? You alright?"

"A hah. I'm...fine." He wheezes and pants. Hm? Shirley is shrinking? Her features are becoming less feral the smaller she gets, until she reverts back to her normal form. 

I can see her blue dress with white feather fluff is still intact. Her eyeliner really complements her blue eyes. Black gloves and blue heels with blue stockings really goes well with her gray hair and skin. Honestly, she's very good looking. If she wasn't fucking insane!

"Hey. What happened to her?" Mox asks while recovering.

***Blue*** "For some reason, anyone who ingests my blood will experience extreme emotional overload depending on the color. Red is anger, blue is sadness, you get the idea. Now white causes anyone to have no thoughts and be at peace. That's why she's standing there drooling." The ice is finally melting. Shit! It hurts.

"Here. Let me clean it off." Mox is about to use the sheet!

***Pink*** "H-Hold on! Don't us-!" It's too late. He wipes the blood off my feet. The pink stains are not going away. We stare at each for a moment.

"Daniel."

"Yes?"

"Are you a-"

"I am." We have an awkward silence. Hm? I feel pressure on my back. I check behind to see Shirley with her beak on my tail. She smirks and rips half of it!  ***Rainbow*** "AAAAAAAAH!!!! OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!!" I don't care anymore! I grab the sheet to stop the bleeding! She slurps my severed tail like a spaghetti!

"Mmmm~! I needed that." She licks the blood off her beak. "Oh Danny boy! How I've missed the taste of your pure sweet flesh. I hope to see you again soon, or else I will be looking for seconds! Kekeke!" She laughs and leaves. 

_ Trotting to the Lonesome Road _

Welp. We lost our groceries, the gift is ruined and my tail is gone. Sure, it'll grow back, but the fact she chomped it off again isn't making the day any better. Biggest waste of time in my dead life. Fuck what I said in my monologue. I look up at the clocktower. Six thirty. The office should be closed by now and Blitzo is the only with the keys. That means I have nowhere to sleep tonight...again. I don't know where I'm going. Been following Mox the whole time, but I'm sure he has plans for today.

***Blue*** "Hey. I'm sorry about today." I speak up.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." He says. I stop.

"I think this is where we split paths."

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm assuming you're going home to spend time with Millie. I need to start looking for a place to sleep before it gets late." He looks at me confused.

"Oh. I thought you were going to stay at my home for the night."

***Pink*** "Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to impose. It's fine though. Not the first time I've slept in the streets." Although, that was not a pleasant experience.

"No way! If there's something I learned from today, it's that I can trust you." He turns his back. "W-Well umm You're...How do I put this…" I can tell he's struggling to find the word.

"You mean...like a friend?"

"Y-Yeah. A friend I can trust." Uh oh. Here comes the waterworks. Fuck it. I hug him tightly.

"You're too wholesome for this hellhole!" 

"Argh! I told you t-Ah screw it." He accepts it and pats my back. Perhaps my humanity was never lost after all. I just needed to find someone to invigorate it. Now I need someone to invigorate my patience to not cut that bird bitch into a million pieces!


	3. The chocolate can take you to another plane.

What is reality? Is it something that we perceive? Not really. While there are some things that cannot be denied, we perceive the world differently. A schizophrenic person, for example, can see or hear things that someone "normal" can not. Or how a colorblind person can see the world around in a different lense. Not to mention the life experiences we all go through that changes our outlook in life. It has for me, at least. Throughout my life, I thought Heaven and Hell were just a fantasy we humans tried to cope with death. Yet here I am. Reading newspapers in the office of I.M.P., while Loona is lost in her cellphone as usual. Blitzo and the crew are doing their work back in the living world, which they call the human world since they were born here. 

"Daniel?" I put down the papers to see Qwais opening the front door.

***Orange*** "Oh! Hey man. How did you find me?" I get up and shake his hand. He gives me the bags we dropped the other day.

"I found these laying in the park. I recognized your scent and it led me here." 

"Wow. That's not creepy at all. But thanks man! You're a lifesaver!" I look inside the contents and everything checks out. I place them on the floor.

"No problem. I was just passing by and thought might as well drop by. Also, I forgot to give you this." He pulls out a chocolate bar. "It's expired, but I know you wouldn't mind." 

***Green*** "One man's trash, is another's treasure." I grab the bar and examine it. The label is very faded. Not like it matters. I love chocolate!

"Hope you enjoy it. See you later." He leaves. Man. Makes you question what fucked up shit he did to be here. I could say the same for myself. I may not be an angel, but I sure as fuck don't belong in the same place with Ted Bundy and Hitler. "He's pretty hot, right Loona?" I face her. She quickly goes to her phone. "Don't think I didn't notice you checking him out."

"Fuck off. Mind your own business." She snarls, with a tint of a blush on her cheeks. How can I tell when she's a furry? You hang around with the bunch long enough to know. 

***Yellow*** "Hahaha! There's nothing to be ashamed of, woman. I can introduce you to him, if you like?" She doesn't respond, of course. "Here." I snap the bar in half and place it on the desk. I eat the other half in one gulp. "MMMMM! Sho gud!" It's like I'm in heaven! The smoothness of the silky chocolate just melts in my mouth! I sit back on the couch and read the newspapers. 

Some time passes and I'm almost done reading. The politics in Hell are not so different from home. Makes sense. We carry our beliefs even in death. ***Blue*** Woah. My body feels cold all of a sudden. Huh? The words in the paper are rearranging all over the place...OH NO! I know what's happening!

***Red*** "Loona! Don't eat the chocolate!" I try getting up, but trip on the floor. 

"Daniel!? What's going on?" Loona is panicking. I force myself to stand. The walls are contracting and expanding, as if it was breathing. I use the desk as support. Loona is looking at me bewildering.

"Calm down. Do not panic. That chocolate had shrooms. We ate half of it, so it shouldn't be that intense." I say that, but the disorientation is intensifying! I grab the wrapping she didn't throw away. Now to locate the milligram…sixteen mg for the whole bar...We're so fucked. 

**_Lights out_ **

Loona: This is making things worse!

Daniel: I didn't do anything! Theater mode activated itself!

**Maybe - The Ink Spots**

Narrator: This here story I'm 'bout to tell you today is an interestin' one. A tale I hold dear close to my heart.

Loona: Who the fuck is that!?

Daniel: Fuck if I know!? 

Narrator: It is set in a place you wouldn't expect to find. Frankly, I've come across many individuals that are down right terrible. I mean, what can you expect in a place like Pentagram City? But there are these two...I don't want to say heroes. Cause what are heroes? Special people that make life in this hellscape very exciting. 

Daniel: I think my hallucinations are being projected through my ability.

Narrator: That quick thinkin' scalie fella over there? That's Daniel Gomez. However, he rejected the name his lovin' mom and pop gave him. He goes by The Quemaleon. Not a respectable name that would fly from where I'm from.

A spotlight shines on Daniel. He's wearing tattered clothes like when he was a bum.

Daniel: ***Red*** What happened to my clothes!?

Narrator: The next one...She's a special one. Only goes by Loona. Both her bark and bite are ferocious. Just a couple days ago, I had a run in with a wild coyote. Not a pleasant experience. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. Need to get myself checked to see if I have rabies...Darn. I lost my train of thought there.

A spotlight shines on Loona. She has a black hoodie, green shirt and ripped jeans. 

Loona: *Gasp* I look fucking hideous!

The lights go out once more.

Narrator: Now that our main characters are dressed for their part, we can move forward the plot. Sadly, I won't be able to cover the events in its entirety. But I will try my darndest. 

The scene starts with Quemaleon jogging to his home. He opens the door and steps inside. The lights turn on their own. Before he could ponder at such abnormality, someone grabs him from behind, drags him to the bathroom and dunks his head in the toilet.

Blitzo: Where's the money, Gomez? Where's the fucking money? *Pulls him out* Where's the fucking money? *Dunks him in* You know it's what you're good for. Where is it? *Pulls him out* Where's the fucking money, shitheaaaaad!

Quemaleon: *Coughs* I-it's…it's probably down there somewhere. Let me take another look.

Blitzo: *Dunks him one more time* Don't fuck with us, Gomez. 

He throws Quemaleon on the floor. Millie unzips her pants and pisses on top of his stuff.

Quemaleon: No! Ugh. Not on my props, dude.

Blitzo: You see? You see what happens, Gomez? You see what happens?

Quemaleon: Go-Gomez? No no. I'm not Gomez. You got the wrong guy. I'm El Quemaleon!

Blitzo: You're name's Gomez, Gomez. And your wife is Charlotte Magne. 

Quemaleon: M-My wife? Charlotte? Does this place look like the fucking princess of Hell would live in? The toilet wasn't even flushed, man!

He flushes and sits on it, while Blitzo examines the bag Quemaleon was carrying and pulls out a baseball.

Blitzo: The fuck is this?

Quemaleon: Obviously, you're not a football player. 

Blitzo drops the ball, which falls into a hole on the floor.

Blitzo: Millie?

Millie: Yeah?

Blitzo: Isn't this fucker supposed to be loaded?

Millie:...Fuck! He looks like a fucking loser.

Quemaleon: Hey, at least I have sentimental values.

Millie: What a fucking time waster.

Blitzo: Yeah. Thanks a lot, asshole.

They both throw more insults as they leave and slam the door shut.

**_Black out_ **

**_Uncle Jimbo presents a story no one clamored_ **

**_The Great Quemaleon_ **

**Come and Get Your Love - Redbone**

Queue a montage of demons and sinners playing baseball in slow motion. Someone throws a ball towards the camera, but someone catches it at the last minute. With the impact causing the dust particles to scatter. A familiar imp is ready to swing. The pitcher throws the ball and the imp hits it. It's a homerun! He runs all the bases and goes back to the bench, where Quemaleon and Loona are sitting.

Moxxie: Woo! Today is our lucky day!

He sits in between them.

Loona: That is some bullshit.

Quemaleon: Yea, man. It really helped during my performances.

Moxxie: What helped with your performances, Quemaleon?

Loona: Were you listening to el Quemaleon's story, Moxxie?

Moxxie: Huh?

Loona: WERE YOU LISTENING TO EL QUEMALEON'S STORY?

Moxxie: I was on the field. 

Loona: Then you have no frame of reference, Moxxie. You're like that one guy who walks in the middle of the movie, asking stupid questions that the plot alre-!

Quemaleon: Loona. Loona, what's your point?

Loona: There's no is none! Now my point here is tha-

Moxxie: Yeah Loona, what's your point?

Loona: Huh!?

Quemaleon: Loona, what's you-? *Sigh* Look. We all know who's responsible here. What the fuck are you talking!?

Loona: What the fu-!? I'm no-! *Deep breath* We are talking about a power dynamic at play here.

Moxxie: What the fuck is she talking about?

Quemaleon: My props.

Loona: Shut the fuck up, Moxxie! You're out of your element!

Quemaleon: Loona, the dog pecker pissed on my props. It's not like I can send her a bill for the damages? So what the fuck are you talking about!?

Loona: What the fuck are you talking about!? The dog pecker is not the issue here, Quemaleon! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand. A line you do no-! Also, dog pecker is not the correct term. Imp, please.

Quemaleon: Loona, the chick isn't the ruler of Hell. She peed on my props!

Moxxie: She peed on Quemaleon's props.

Loona: Moxxie, you're out of your element! Quemaleon, the dog pecker isn't the issue here!

Quemaleon: *Gets up* Then who is?

Loona: Daniel Gomez. The other Daniel Gomez. The co-owner of Happy Hotel.

Quemaleon: *Stretches his back* That's fucking interesting, dude. That's fucking interesting.

Loona: Plus, he has the wealth and resources. So there's no reason, there's no FUCKING reason, why his wife owes money to the Overlords and then they come and pee on your fucking props! Am I wrong!?

Quemaleon: No.

Loona: Am I wrong!?

Quemaleon: Yeah, but…*Sigh*

Loona: Okay then. *Aggressively clears throat* Those props really helped your performances, did it not?

Quemaleon: Damn fuckin-A.

Moxxie: And this chick peed on it.

Loona: Moxxie, please.

Quemaleon: You know this the guy, I could fucking find this Gomez guy.

Moxxie: His name is Gomez? That's your name, Quemaleon.

Quemaleon: This is the fucking guy who should compensate for my fucking props. His wife owes money to the Overlords and they come and pee on my fucking props?

Loona: They peed on your fucking props?

Quemaleon: They peed on my fucking props.

Loona: That's right, Quemaleon. They peed on your fucking props.

_Hazbin Hotel_

Quemaleon goes into the lobby and approaches the desk, where a golden furred dog furry is doing some paper.

Abraham: How can I help you?

Quemaleon: I want to talk with the owner of this place. It's for business purposes. His name is Daniel Gomez.

Abraham scans him.

Abraham: I'm sorry, but Mr. Gomez is busy at the moment. Try coming some other time.

Quemaleon: And when is that other time?

Abraham: Let me see…*Opens a notebook* We can schedule a meeting for next month.

Quemaleon: Next month!? But I need him to compensate for my props now! This power dynamic will not stand, man!

Abraham: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. Mr. Gomez is an extremely busy man. 

At that moment, Daniel walks into the lobby with another golden furred furry. He's wearing a black and red top hat and a large pink coat. 

Daniel: Then they can fucking wait! I need to take care of the Mandela Project! Also, why are we in Theater M-

He notices Quemaleon. 

Daniel: Kain. Get everyone to evacuate the building immediately.

Kain: But wh-?

Daniel: NOW, KAIN!

Kain yeeps and sets off the alarm, causing everyone to exit the building. Leaving only him and Quemaleon alone.

Daniel: What's your name?

Quemaleon: Uuum. I go by Quemaleon. Why do you look like me?

Daniel: Quemaleon, huh? Funny.

He circles around Quemaleon.

Quemaleon: Hey, man. I only came here to tell you that some imps were looking for you, but they assaulted me instead and the chick pissed on my props. Now I see why they got confused. But yeah. Wondering if you could compensate for the damages?

Daniel: Pissed on your props?...Oh. So that's what is happening. You're just reenacting The Big Lebowski and somehow managed to worm your way into my world.

Quemaleon: The Big what? Look man, I just want my props, man.

Daniel: Tell me Quemaleon, do you know the extent of your ability? 

Quemaleon:...M-My ability?

Daniel: Yes. Theater Mode is a truly special power. *Chuckle* I mean, we're experiencing it right now! This must be a sign. Tell me, how did you achieve such a feat?

Quemaleon: I-I-I don't know what you're talking about, man?

Daniel: ASTL! 

Black tentacles appear underneath Quemaleon and coil around him. 

Quemaleon: Ungh! You're a Sigmund!?

Daniel: A Sigmund?

Quemaleon: Jormungand!

A multi colored scaled serpent with a violet top hat and red cape appear behind Quemaleon. It hisses and lightning strikes on the tentacles, making them disintegrate. 

Daniel: HeheheheHAHAHAHAHA! Marvelous! Truly marvelous! I've finally found it!

He snaps his fingers and everything shakes. The floor they stand rises quickly. The roof opens up to let the platform go through. Now they're high up that they can overlook the city.

Daniel: Look up there. *Points at the sky* That is Heaven. I've been using everything in my power to achieve ascension. Married the princess of Hell, stole money from Overlords and even killed Alastor to gain entrance to Heaven's Door! And I have finally found the key.

Quemaleon: W-W-What!?

Daniel: This could be my only chance. Our chance! Don't you want to live a life of pure bliss? A life that we've been robbed!?

Quemaleon: Look, man. I just wa-

Daniel: *Le sigh* You're already a lost cause. I thought I could convince you to join me, but I'm only wasting my breath. ***Black*** Time for you to be my key.

Tons of tentacles rush towards Quemaleon. He won't be able to get them all!

Loona: Fenrir!

The tentacles are being attacked by chains. Loona and Moxxie jump into the fray.

Loona: I knew he was a Sigmund.

A buff gray wolf covered in chains stands next to Loona.

Quemaleon: Loona! Moxxie!

Moxxie: We got you, Quemaleon. Hela!

A woman in black robes and flowing white hair appears behind him. She taps her lantern and it starts sucking in the rest of the tentacles. The three of them pose dramatically with their Freudian.

Daniel: KAHAHAKAKA! *Claps* Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! I thought this was going to be boring. It doesn't matter what version we are from. We always love putting a good show!

The tentacles pile on top of Daniel. They grow in size, until it hardens like a cocoon. Then it cracks, Daniel breaks through the shell. He has increased massively. His limbs are elongated with spikes protruding from his knees and elbows. His eyes are camera lenses and the end of his tail has a light. He sticks out his tongue, which has an eye at the tip.

**Eldritch Blooded Thespian: Daniel Gomez**

**Laser Beam - Persona Q**

E-Daniel: KAAKAKAKOO! I HaVe ThE pOwEr To CoPy AbIlItIeS fRoM oThEr WoRlDs! tHiS iS THE TRUE POWER OF THE MANDELA!

Quemaleon: Fuck man! All I wanted was my fucking props!

Loona: We are going to show you what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

She summons Fenrir to attack with his chains.

E-Daniel: NeARlY wItChEs!

A being of smoke materializes and catches the chain with its claws. She has brown skin and very long silver hair. She's wearing a black sports bra and shorts. Her feet are that of a reptile and has white angel wings. She spews smoke out of her mouth to hit Fenrir. It stings like a hundred cigarettes.

Loona: AAAAH! 

She is lost in pain, that she doesn't notice a black hole forming beneath her. Tentacles appear, but Moxxie shoves her away, dragging him to the abyss instead.

Quemaleon/Loona: MOXXIE!

Quemaleon: All right, you son of a bitch! This show has gone long enough! Time to pull down the curtains! Jormungand: The World!

Jormungand reveals its true behemoth size. Not even the black tentacles can fully wrap around it. 

E-Daniel:...wow.

Quemaleon and Loona jump off, before Jormungand consumes the platform and the entire hotel in one bite. Fenrir uses its chain to swing on a lamppost so they can safely land. Both of them watch as Jormungand gulps the building. Props fall down and land on top of Quemaleon.

Loona: By the way, I'm getting adopted.

Quemaleon: Rrrgh! G-Good for you.

_Oh! It's a baseball!_

Daniel is stretching on the bench alone, getting ready to swing. An old cowboy sits close to him.

Cowboy: You're lookin' a bit chipper.

Quemaleon: Huh? Oh. Yeah. I feel good...

Cowboy: Call me Samm-E. Not stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I can tell you're a bit sad.

Quemaleon: Just a bit. Lost a friend and the other one moved away with her adopted father. 

Samm-E: I'm sorry to hear that.

Quemaleon: But you know. Despite all that, I'm glad I got to spend time with them. So instead of being gloomy about it, I'm happy that I got to experience my friends. Anyways, I gotta get to swinging.

Samm-E: Well, good luck out there. I know everythin' is going to work for ya.

Quemaleon: Welp. El Quemaleon abides.

Samm-E: *Chuckles* El Quemaleon abides. *Looks at the camera* I don't know about you? But I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. El Quemaleon. Takin 'er easy for all us sinners. Well. That about wraps 'er up. I told you the story is pretty interesting. Had a lot of twists and turns. Loved every minute of it...Except for one thing. I didn't like Moxxie being gone, but then I remember the real one is all well doing his work. It reminds me of...Ah. Look at me rambling again. See you fellas on the next trip.

**Locket - Crumb**

**_ShOw'S oVeR_ **

***Red*** ….Ungh! Finally. The high is going away. The walls are still disorienting, but not as intense as before. I'm still in the office thankfully. I look to my side and Loona is next to me with her eyes wide open. 

"Hey Daniel?" She asks.

"Yeah?"

"Let's do it again." Oh god. 

"Maybe next month. I need to recover my sanity." We just lay together on the floor, with the music playing on her phone. Didn't expect to bond with Loona this way, but I'm not complaining. I'll have to tell Qwais to give me a fucking heads up to what I take from now on.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the story! This one will not get updated as often since I'm more focused on writing my own story. It's called "La Isla Del Abatido: Monster Girl's Paradise" if anyone is interested. I'll apologize in advance for the lack of updates, but I saw the first episode and listened to D4C and I just had to write it. Anyways, have a wonderful day readers.


End file.
